This poem needs a lot of critique, but on a basic level I like it a lot.
Foray into Imagism
There are wars to be fought
worlds to be circumnavigated
in battleships of iron and oak
dark priests with spells of amber
and blood
and clerics with their staves of God.
There are men, bound with
the frayed hemp ropes of
Common Cause, men who
hope every day their bonds
do not snap
with the stress of their coexistence.
The heavens roil above,
cardamom thunder,
tartar lightning,
and sweet cayenne heat
waves
lashing the humid earth.
When the lifeblood comes,
thick and fast like a mountain
stream in early summer,
the soil drinks it thirstily,
unwillingly.
All the while thinking No More.
And the staves of God fail,
for He is not,
and the dark spells fail,
for they are not,
But the thunder gouges
ever on,
and the blood falls thicker than before
as faith fails
and iron prevails.
thick and fast like a mountain
stream in early summer,
the soil drinks it thirstily,
unwillingly.
All the while thinking No More.
And the staves of God fail,
for He is not,
and the dark spells fail,
for they are not,
But the thunder gouges
ever on,
and the blood falls thicker than before
as faith fails
and iron prevails.
Wow. I really like it. That was really intense. all of the adjectives make it really rich and picturable (i can't think of the actual word right now).
ReplyDeleteI don't love the line breaks in the second stanza, it sort of seems odd that in the third line a new line starts at the end, I do not know if you did that on purpose or not. My favorite stanza is probably the third one--it has awesome imagery. "The heavens roil above" that's my favorite line of the whole thing :) I love it Jelle!
I'm not sure how much I like the second half of the third stanza, especially the "waves" just sitting there all alone, but I like the bit about the blood streams and drinking it thirstily and unwillingly.
ReplyDeleteThe third stanza is definitely the strongest - great imagery. The mystical/religious elements stick out though. You only bring up magic/religion in the first and last stanzas, and not in the middle, which is the real meat of the poem.
ReplyDeleteI think it is confusing, because everything else is so grounded in the tangible. I would get rid of the bits In the first and last stanzas that are mystic/religious, or integrate that more into the middle.
The capitals are a little confusing b/c in one place they denote a noun, in the other, speech. For the noun, I don't think you need capitalization - we know it's conceptual. In the speech, if you don't like quotes, italics would make sense.